Santa Clause, Inc. to Apply for Bailout

December 19th, 2009

In the wake of positive economic news, and repayment of TARP funds, there are signs that all is not well with the economy this Holiday Season. There are reports out of the North Pole that Santa Claus, Inc. a popular non-profit manufacturer and distributor of toys, may not have sufficient cash on hand to fund its annual Christmas Eve mission, and may petition for a bailout.

Santa Clause, Inc., CEO, Santa Claus typically funds his operation through various merchandising and licensing deals. “Seven years old and up has been a market that has disappeared for Santa,” said Krystoff Kerluwicz, noted brand expert.

Sources indicate that Santa’s fundraising group has sent a letter to US President, Barack Obama, and various members of Congress, petitioning for a bailout. Protests have already begun in front of the White House with signs reading, “No Handouts 4 Handouts” and depicting both President Obama and Santa Claus holding a Nazi flag and speaking Arabic.

Senator Robinson Forntner (R-KY) addressed the North Pole Bailout rumors: “What we have here is an operation that has never turned a profit and is engaged in the act of giving all its capital away. Nothing more than Socialism in action!”

Congressman Joel Osnucky (D-OR) suggested that Santa Claus, Inc. will likely have to file for bankruptcy and emerge as a leaner operation. “Part of the issue, is that Santa Claus, Inc. has made too many commitments to provide health care for retired elves and reindeer. The company even paid for Rudolph, the Red Nose Reindeer’s rhinoplasty after installing headlights in Santa’s sleigh.”

It is expected that Congress will move quickly to save Christmas, but it may already be too late.

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Our New Health Plan

October 2nd, 2009

Dear Policy Holder,

Please be advised that your physician did not earn a medical degree to “help people,” else he or she would have become a nurse or a teacher. Your physician opted for medical school in order to maximize his or her earning potential. As a patient it is your responsibility to opt for unnecessary procedures in order that your physician is able to support a family, even if those procedures are not covered by this plan.

All visitors to the emergency room will be subject to a credit check. Patients who pass a credit check are offered emergency services at an introductory interest rate of 9.99%. If expenses are not paid in full within an hour of a patient’s release from the hospital, then the interest rate jumps to 29.99% daily and your late payment will be reported to all credit reporting agencies.

Patients failing a credit check will be advised to opt for less expensive home care, but this is contingent upon a family member designated to perform emergency medical procedures, including surgery. Should you fail a credit check and have no family member able to provide emergency services, your coverage will be cancelled.

Coverage may be cancelled for any one of the pre-existing conditions: terminal illness, acne, eczema, high blood pressure, pregnancy, height over 50 inches, height under 49 inches, pregnancy, urination, daily sleeping, voting for president Obama, belief in the public option, dreams about diseases, including, but not limited to the plague, measles, smallpox, ebola, swine flu, H1N1, and, should they come into being H1Nx (where x equals any number of diseases related to swine, cows, or any other mammal), bird flu, Theraflu, or even the fireplace flue.

In order to increase the efficiency of our coverage, terminally ill patients will be brought before a but a firing squad. Since the government has no business in ensuring the health of its people, the firing squad will be selected by your health insurer. As a terminally ill patient, we extend our deepest sympathy to your family, but the fulfillment of any last request is an unnecessary expense and will take money out of our CEO’s bonus. The firing squad is not covered by your coverage, so please make arrangements to have your benefactors pay for the costs incurred.

Sincerely,

Dirk MacGruder, CEO

Your Health Plan

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