The iPod Killed the Radio Station

May 18th, 2012

When I was in my early 20s and had just moved to Boston, I used to listen to WFNX every morning. In my high school years, I yearned to listen to the station, but the signal was so weak that I settled for WBRU out of Providence. Thanks to WBRU, I discovered Throwing Muses, the Smiths, the Cure and REM.

The morning jock, Morning Guy Tai, on WFNX would always make some joke about Ted Williams being backed up – meaning, of course, the Ted Williams tunnel, not the aged former baseball player. He would also engage in some banter with the news guy, and they would forget that people like me were listening to discover new music.

After a while the station became more and more repetitive and the bands they played started to blend together with an army of whiny guys who couldn’t sing, generic chords and bass playing that added nothing to each song. Welcome to “alternative” music in the 1990s.

Somewhere along the way I discovered jazz and NPR. I stopped listening to WFNX and opted for the news. Now, I discover that WFNX has been sold to Clear Channel, and I am left to wonder, was anyone really listening to WFNX anymore?

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The Benefits of “Stand Your Ground”

March 31st, 2012

In the wake of the Trayvon Martin shooting, Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law has come under intense scrutiny. Here at Verbal Jazz, we’ve taken a look at the law and discovered that there are many positives to it.

Lure Your Enemies to Florida – Here’s the scenario: you know someone who needs getting rid of. Provide your enemy with an all expenses paid visit to the Sunshine State. Arrange for the two of you to be alone in a public space, then shoot, and plant a weapon on your enemy, give yourself a few cuts, and make it look like a scuffle. You can rid the earth of a huge scumbag, while boosting Florida tourism.

Weeding out undesirables – Whether you are a lone vigilante, or a member of a group that knows what criminals look like – wink, wink – you can bring your special talents to Florida. If you see someone who looks like they may be up to no good, you can always shoot first in claim self defense. Remember, a pack of Skittles is just as much a weapon as a sock full of rocks.

Decreased sales of hooded sweatshirts, or “hoodies” – Florida is a warm state that will only get warmer due to climate change (a grant to the Verbal Jazz Foundation from any groups opposed to climate change – ALEC, Koch Brothers, I am looking at you – would be enough to make that previous sentence go away). Hooded sweatshirts take up too much space in clothing stores and closets, and are the preferred uniform of criminals. By killing all the “hoodie” wearers there will be less crime.  Whoever heard of a criminal in a pastel golf shirt?

Reduced reliance on courts – Courts are a ridiculous waste of time, and criminals always go free. Taking time to file criminal charges against a person for murder is kind of beside the point since a victim cannot be unkilled (until we start cloning humans).  Courts are better served bringing people in for unnecessary jury duty.

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President Santorum – The First 100 Days

March 24th, 2012

After winning the Louisiana Primary, it is evident that Rick Santorum will be the eventual nominee, at least if you listen to Rick Santorum. Here is what you might expect from the first 100 days of a Santorum presidency.

Day 1 – Before taking the oath of office, President Elect Santorum inspects the Bible to be sure his predecessor did not switch it for a Quran. The Presidential ball will feature only Christian Rock and be chaperoned by aging nuns who make sure that dancers are a safe distance from each other.

Day 2 – President Santorum wonders why other countries get Ministers, where he appoints Cabinet Secretaries. He blames the secular division of Church and state.

Day 3 – President Santorum calls Sergey and Larry to see if they can do anything about those search results that keep popping up.

Day 4 – When President Santorum discovers that Israel is not a Christian nation; he briefly suspends plans to sever ties with all non-Christian nations.

Day 7 – Realizes there are no days of rest for the President.

Day 9 – Meets Lincoln’s Ghost, who casually does not object to gay marriage.

Day 10 – President Santorum has his private Has Lincoln Bedroom exorcised.

Day 13 – Delivers home school lecture on intelligent design for the children, thankful that the public schools won’t indoctrinate them with science.

Day 15 – Finally decides which Megadeth Song will be the Presidetial Anthem. Invite Dave Mustane for the unveiling.

Day 21 – Is outraged that three weeks into his presidency contraceptive sales continue.

Day 32 –Talks to the FCC about making “Evolution” one of those dirty words you can’t say on television. Effectively kills PBS.

Day 40 – 40 days and 40 nights of a presidency calls for a state dinner. The prayer takes 3 hours 14 minutes. The dinner lasts for 25.

Day 47 – Find a member of the media and declare bull****!

Day 53 – With Church and State still separated, president Santorum declares Constitutional crisis.

Day 54 – President Santorum is calmed by legislative agenda that calls for a reversal of gay rights.

Day 22 – Condoms become known as “Santorum Blockers,” prompting another call from the office of the president to Sergey and Larry.

Day 69 – President Santorum refuses to recognize this numbered day of his Presidency as it sends a “permissive” message to America.

Day 70 – Easter. President Santorum is glad this one wasn’t yesterday, that would be awkward.

Day 83 – Ask group of paleontologists how they can live with figuratively killing Jesus.

Day 87 – Finally gets around to bombing Iran based on a report of strawberry shortcake Uranium from Uganda. Orders strawberry shortcake for dessert and sees the face of Ahmedinejad staring back at him.

Day 88 – President Santorum spends the day looking for the Virgin Mary in a water stain.

Day 91 – President Santorum asks Jerry Seinfeld to stand in for him for the day. The press notices only subtle differences.

Day 98 – Rounds up military to prevent any gay marriages from happening nationwide. Briefly imagines gay kissing…

Day 99 – Asks Vice President Gingrich for his hand in marriage, as Callista is in the hospital with a hangnail.

Day 100 – So, that’s what that Google thing really means!

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Mitt Romney to Quit Presidential Race

March 17th, 2012

Just days after losing both the Mississippi and Alabama Republican primaries, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney made the unprecedented decision step out of the presidential race. Even though he has collected more delegates than any of the remaining candidates, Governor Romney said that he wanted to “stop living a lie.”

“It is clear that the Republican Party would prefer a different candidate,” said the former Massachusetts governor to an indifferent crowd of supporters. “And, to be honest, I’m tired of trying to pretend that I’m the gun-toting, immigrant baiting enemy of science and reason that you seem to want.”

Romney admitted that he was proud that RomneyCare was the blue print for health reform and reminisced about a time when being a Republican just meant you wanted to be wealthy and make fun of those who could not afford a second home or country club dues.

Political pundits immediately hailed emergency taxis to television studios to weigh on this momentous decision. CNN’s John King was immediately flustered as there was no ready-made infographic to tie President Obama’s March Madness bracket to lower support for Governor Romney.

Rick Santorum, now widely considered the frontrunner in this campaign, continued to take shots at his former opponent: “Where does Mitt Romney stand on this issue of his whole candidacy? Is he in this thing, or is he out?” Santorum said as campaign workers searched his audience for any contraceptive devices or pills.

Even though Governor Romney has stepped out of the race, it is expected that he will secure the number of delegates needed for victory. After this announcement, Romney’s approval rating shot up to 67% and John King is still waiting for that infographic.

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The Lessons of 9/12?

September 12th, 2011

It is not like remembering where you parked, or to get butter on a trip to the grocery store. Any of us who were alive at the time are going to remember – whether it be a picture perfect September morning, or when the towers sneak their way into any movie that is now more than ten years old.

Ten years later, Remembrance Day was inescapable. My wife and I are not ready to explain it to my four-year-old son. The TV and radio were silent with the exception of his favorite band, The Beatles.

The media can be forgiven for the constant drumbeat on the anniversary. There are thousands of stories and angles from people who were there or lost loved ones, to people like me who was annoyed at being pulled into a morning meeting in the conference room, only to see that it wasn’t a meeting.

The stories ask the questions, but do not answer them. All this time later we are still trying to make sense of a series of premeditated unkind and evil acts. We want there to be a simple explanation – an attack on our freedom. We want there to be a simple response – we won’t let the terrorists win. On Remembrance Day it is not so simple: the attacks shook the core of what we believed about ourselves. The attacks were pre-meditated, but the victims were random. If they were carried out on 9/10 or 9/12, different people would have been mourned, and maybe a different outcome for Flight 93.

On 9/12 we spoke of unity and cooperation. We vowed to never forget. We went to war to stop further attacks. The economy crumbled. Natural disasters flooded cities and burned states. Our political climate has given rise to true believers who do not promote unity and cooperation. At what point do we remember the lesson of 9/12?

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